I rushed the kids all off to bed, waking the almost 3 year old in the process. She’s my ‘wild card’ anyway, so having her fall asleep on the couch around 7:30 p.m. was the beginning of what I guessed would end up with her sleeping til the others went to bed and then her staying up til Daddy got home from work at 12:30, a.m….I don’t want to be up til then. I’m tired now. I was actually going to just lay down as soon as all heads hit pillows but then I decided to do one last walk through (good thing because the back door wasn’t even really closed) which lead to me finding my cup o’ tea. Yes, tea.
I found myself reflecting, cup of tea in hand, about how my priorities have changed, as well as my expectations. Sometimes I find myself getting swallowed up in the hugeness of trying to keep house, raise children, etc., that I want to cry, and maybe just run away. That’s really part of why I started to run. I realized I needed a break, like the one I would get at a job or driving too and from one, just some quiet time. Soon I found myself realizing that I’m a better mom with that break built in to my day. I know that I just have to make it til 2, and then I can breathe for my 20 minutes. It’s a beautiful thing. Of course, I’m terrible at actually getting out every day to run, but I try and on the days where I really need it, I can do it. My husband understands what I mean by: “It’s 2. I’m leaving”.
I had dreams yesterday of cleaning off our 2nd couch so we could use it, cleaning all the floors, and getting all of the dishes done. No such luck. But I did end last night with two mostly clean sinks, floors that had been swept several times, and I had worked on the laundry couch. It wasn’t a complete flop. I guess I’m at a point where I realize that not completely failing is like winning. I’m okay with that. So, tonight, my sinks are not empty and I don’t care. I’m tired. All those dishes will be there tomorrow, guaranteed. As soon as I see the bottom of my tea cup, I’m out.
Today was a good day. It kept moving, I followed my meal plan, I hardly yelled and barely spanked, I worked at showing love and mercy instead of anger and judgement. Today I tried to let my big, little girl be little. I tried to not push her to be more sensible or to stop telling ridiculous jokes (they are pretty crazy). I tried to listen more, to do a better (more simple) explanation, and to be gentle. So, the floors are dirty and the mess is still here, but the more important work, raising of the kids was done better, I think. So, small victories.
Oh, and the almost 3 year old, I put her back to bed. I told her it was bed time and she had to go back to sleep. We had been snacking before she fell asleep and she went pee after she woke up so she should be good. She lets out the occasional complaint, but, overall, she’s being pretty quiet, so, another small victory.
Well, I found the bottom of my cup. Sigh. It’s time for me to head to bed. I enjoy staying up so I can see my husband when he gets home from work (he works nights) but morning comes way to early for me to stay up til almost 1 or 2 a.m., just to spend time with him, more than once or twice a week. He understands and he has tomorrow off.
Good night. I hope that you can look around to see your small victories. I hope you can embrace your lack of complete failure and see it as a win. Way to go champion!